SO, I WAS ON THE DAILY SHOW

Which means that everyone I know has asked me how it worked when they were taping it. So let me answer that question. Before I do though, I will also give you an opportunity to go to pbump.net, if that's what you're here after. If not:

OF COURSE I KNEW IT WAS A SET-UP

This has become the most common question people ask about the show. Absolutely, going in, I knew the thing was a set-up. I've seen the show before, after all. They make it look like I'm uncomfortable and ill at ease (read on to see how) because that's funnier. And I don't care. Samantha Bee said I was attractive (albeit to middle-aged psychos) on national TV. I take the good with the bad.

HOW THEY TAPE IT

So here's what they do. They bring you into a room and sit you down. There's a camera facing you, and the reporter (in this case, Samantha Bee) is about four feet away. Your knees are almost touching.

They film you first. No makeup, no fixing your jacket, no nothing. Bright, harsh light. They run through their questions, and you have one shot to respond. So, when I mocked her name, it was me acting quickly. Kudos to me. After they've asked you the questions, they make you sit and listen to her for awhile, so they can get the dopey listening shots. And, to top it off, they ask you to tell them a joke. I assume this is done so they can get a shot of you thinking. I had one on the tip of my tongue, though, so I foiled their plan and they asked me to tell them another one. Philip 1, Samantha 0. At the end of asking questions, they make you sit there while the interviewer talks all about her breakfast. Honestly. Samantha had an omelette that day, with bacon.

They kicked me out then, to rearrange the set-up. All of this took place, incidentally, in the Marriott Hotel in downtown San Jose. So, the entire time she's talking to me, I am staring at a queen sized bed with a paisley comforter. They also rearrange the lights, by the way, so that the reporter gets to look better.

Then it's Samantha's turn. The camera is behind me now, and they tape her asking each question multiple times, to get the funniest take. It's very hard not to laugh when a grown woman is sitting four feet away from you, saying that she bets the Governor would like to grope you, or pretending to cry like a little baby. They also film her practicing reactions to my comments. After I mocked her name, they practiced various responses (none of which was as good as what they aired). All of this goes on for another 45 minutes or so. Including my sitting and telling her all about my day, with the camera rolling. If you can't figure out why they do it, you're a little slow.

Finally, they're done. They kick you out of the hotel room, and promise they'll call, but they never do.

THE GOOD JOKES THEY DIDN'T SHOW

At one point, she asked me the name of our coalition, which is STOP, standing for Standing Together to Protect Our Families. To which she responded, "Stopfthf..." And I responded, "Well, it ends with a silent and invisible F."

She made me replicate the chants. Not very impressive when it's one person. Then she tried her hand at chanting, saying, "Hey hey, ho ho, Arnold Schwarzenegger's go to ... leave?" That, for the record, is incorrect.

Another chant called Arnold a jerk. Samantha asked if I couldn't have used a nicer word, like Turk. I pointed out that Arnold is not Turkish. She had a subsequent joke in which she asked if it wasn't the American dream realized for an Austrian son of a Nazi to grow up and fill potholes in the U S of A.

They also did a take of her recreating the scene at the pothole, describing Arnold in effusive and highly suggestive language, with Samantha eventually fading off into an aroused reverie. Lost to the ages, I suppose.

At one point I asked if they were going to go to the scene of the pothole, and the producer, Mike, responded faux-haughtily, "Of course. We're journalists." Which I found amusing.

WHO HAS SEEN IT?

The Nielsen ratings for last night were equivalent to the Opening Games of the 1992 Olympics. (That's a lie.)

So who has seen it? Random people. A reporter from a local TV station called to tell me he saw it. A former boss. Former co-workers from across the country (including Seth Marbin, praise him, who told me it was going to be on in the first place). A political consultant I work with. A staff member from a local Congresswoman. A union member, who also had the presence of mind to tape it (thus providing the only complete copy I have).

WAS SAMANTHA BEE ATTRACTIVE IN PERSON?

I get this question a lot, too. She is cute. I'm no Paul Newman, mind you. But she is Canadian, so there's a strike against her there. Although, she pronounces 'Iraq' the proper way.

THAT'S IT

I'll update this as I think of other things to describe. If you have questions, let me know.